I Have A Question

Does Bony-Chest + 350 cc's of Silicone = Sexy? I thought perhaps the men in the background of this photograph would answer my question.

The guy in the fly three-piece suit looks as if he's saying, "Oooooh, DAYUM!!" However, the guy with three chins gives off more of a She's-Okay-But-I'd-Rather-Motorboat-A-Couple-Of-Big-Macs vibe.

So, this throbbing question shall, for the time being, remain unanswered.

The Next Britney Spears

So, fifteen-year-old Miley Cyrus has clearly learned that her boobies wield great power in congruence with her celebrity, and the photographic evidence has leaked onto the Inter Webs. So, Step One of the fall after meteoric rise has been accomplished, and next we can expect to see her making the mistake of snorting cocaine off of a urinal in the presence of camera-phones. Miley ain't NOBODY'S princess!

The Less-Hot Simpson...

...is actually looking pretty hot lately. Pregnancy glow? But seriously, her dress looks like a flighty Hefty bag weighed down with a row of giant poop-shaped black crayons. That was a weird analogy, but tell me you don't agree.

Synthetic Hair

So, I'm a little disturbed by the fact that her ponytail doesn't actually occur in nature. And, those are some saggy looking boobies.

I'm glad that Britney Spears is no longer speaking in a whacked-out British accent and spotted crying barefoot outside her LA mansion. Yay, Paxil!! But, uh... Brit? You are still giving off an aura of the Cheeto- and vodka-fueled ridiculousness of your former life. It's like those two people behind your are answering the question, "Is Bitch Still Crazy?" with a symbolic, "I GOT FIIIVE ON IT!"

Breaking News!

Christina Aguilera is STARVING her infant child!

Seriously, I'm just picturing some over-zealous fan shoving a pen towards her for an autograph, and all of a sudden it's like that Will & Grace episode where Grace's waterbra pops at an art show. Except with... breast milk. And I just don't think it would be as funny with breast milk.

Rewind Five Years...

...and if I had showed this magazine cover to you THEN, your face would have melted.

Oh, ho-hum, let's see. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie divorce their spouses and unite as one giant bastion of human perfection to create questionably the most genetically flawless child EVER.

Demi Moore, award winning and highly respected actress, is purportedly pregnant with the baby of her husband who five years ago ran around in frigging trucker hats and starred in a movie titled DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?

Matthew McCaughnahey's jizz contains actual sperm in addition to Corona and he put a baby in some random chick.

And finally: We get a view INSIDE BRITNEY SPEARS' FREAKIN' MENTAL WARD. Five years ago: Height of her Career. That is one steep shitstorm of a downfall.

I wouldn't show this to you five years ago if I could, however. I would imagine watching someone's face melt is pretty nasty.

source: www.justjared.com

Well, Hello Again

Imagine my surprise, upon my return from under a rock for two months, my utter DISBELIEF.

Whap! Pow! Bang! Drugs! Lies! Mental psychosis!

The Patron Saint of Batshit Crizazy went back to the looney bin.

I was going to post a real juicy, brain-decayed Britney shot here, but while sifting through the hundreds of pictures of the madness, my eyeballs exploded.

Check back soon, I'll be updating again!

Britney Continues To Flaunt Her Chins

This is the face of a woman (?) who just found out--VIA OK! MAGAZINE--that her sister's body is housing an unborn child, as well as several baby teeth.

Normally, a younger sibling striving to surpass the accomplishments of their elder sister would be grand! Graduate with a 4.0, get a perfect score on your ACTs and get into a better college! Go you, Younger Sibling!!

But, when your elder sister is Britney Spears, surpassing her accomplishments involves marrying a man who wears a "Rock Out With Your Cock Out" trucker hat and getting pregnant with your second child while still in the stirrups from your first birth.

Take another gander at the picture above. As always, Britney Spears just puts it better herself.

I'll Call This 'Do, "The Scientologist"

Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew.

Apparently Katie had her hair up in a messy ponytail for approximately three days without showering. And then took out her Goody No-Snag hairband and walked the red carpet.

Girlfriend, I only see myself with this post-bender, pre-shower hairdo when I reluctantly catch a glance of myself in the mirror while I brush the remnants of last night's Jack & Coke off my teeth. And even then I'm embarassed. I usually mumble to myself, "Uuuggh Jesus I am NEVER. DRINKING. AGAIN."

I guess the difference between you and I, Katie, is that I follow this statement with a shower and some green tea, and not the phrase, "Okay, Tom, I'm ready to go! Have the driver pull the limo around!"

HOLY BALLS

Lock up your children, stock your bomb shelter with canned goods and bottled water, and say a little prayer. The Apocalypse is obviously upon us.

So, ANOTHER Spears is throwing more bile and hellfire upon the world of pop culture in the form of their spawn. This is different, however...

Because this Spears has probably had fewer menstrual cycles than I have FINGERS ON ONE HAND.

Jamie-Lynn Spears is sixteen-mother-effing-years-old and is with child. I thought having kids before you graduate from a training bra went out of style along with dysentery and covered wagons. (At least we all know that ape-shit crazy is a diagnosis that happens to be contagious. With Britney Spears as her role-model, I'm amazed she hasn't chalked up a few stints in rehab or slept with Jeremy Piven or something.)

I was mistaken. Myself being 22, apparently I need to prepare for hot flashes and buy some florescent visors and a condo in Boca Raton.

More Vomit-Inducing Than Ipecac Syrup Or "2 Girls 1 Cup"

Yes, folks. That's an actual human abdomen. I know it looks like the beginning phases of a coral reef, or a pumpkin that has sat out too long and has begun to rot. But sadly, it is not.

And while I love boobies, these particular ones seem to be at 10 and 5, or 8 and 6--as my driver's ed teacher would say. But regardless, they're seriously off-kilter.

WEAR A ONE-PIECE, GIRL!! For your benefit, as well as mine.

I have to go take a Vicodin and shoot tequila now, so thanks a lot, TARA!! Geez.

Zac Efron Loves Bonnie Bell

I wasn't even this girly in the height of my Bonnie-Bell-on-a-Shoelace days.

He's all, "Come on, paps. I'm like just trying to rock my Dolce and Gabanna sunglasses and go into Estee Lauder to pick up some foundation. LEAVE ME ALONE!!"

And the hair is insane. HOW MANY BANGS CAN YOU HAVE??? Too many.

Too many.

Go away, Zac.

Suspenders Just Made Me Barf

Yeah, okay... Posh did it and now it's huge. But Keira Knightley--YOU ARE NOT POSH. And your boobies are way too small to pull off this shy, girly, seductive look. You look like a boy, who looks like a racoon. And that magazine effed up your very lovely face, and you should probably sue them for that.

And it looks like you're wearing Lysol Black Silk edition kitchen-scrubbing gloves. And can your stylist really not afford button-closure suspenders? You have to use the claspy ones that my freshman year date to homecoming wore?

Move, bitch, get out the way. Posh is coming to town and you're taking up entirely too much air space.

This Is Jonathan Rhys Meyers

And Jonathan Rhys Meyers is a god among mortals. Have you ever seen Match Point, starring this man and Scarlett Johansen? If not, run with zeal into the nearest Blockbuster Video and rent it NOW. It's the best movie I've ever seen.

There are several scenes that will make you ask yourself why your special purpose feels all tingly.

Sheeesh, lots of posts on hot people today, of both genders! I think I'll address this with my therapist.

Okay, So Now I'm A Lesbian

This is so effing hot my eyes are on fire. And I don't even know why or how... but seriously, YUM.

That's right, Posh--you wear those suspenders and mess up that hair and shove the sleeve of your tanktop down. You naughty, naughty girl. You need a spanking, and I'm just the one to give it to you.